A More Pervasive Power

I've been running away from a lot this month. My habits have become untenable, routine has fled, work has become an obsession, and I'm just stressed out again overall. Trying to unravel this has been a trail of chained-smoked cigarettes. What feels like progress in ways that aren't very satisfying. I haven't written in my journal in quite some time, and even that's a guilt trip.

"Worse yet, we have the authority of grown men but the faults of children, of infants even." — Seneca, Letters on Ethics: To Lucilius (64)

That really is how I feel today. It's the inability not to be ruled by my lack of discipline, I guess. I finished Parable of the Sower last week at least. That was an awesome read. Reminded me a lot of how I like to think I can get ahead of things, but ultimately I have no real power. Octavia Butler put it nicely "God is change" the core foundation of Earthseed. It makes a lot of sense.

Despite that train of thought, I realize that the choice is mine, and I do in fact have agency in this situation. The whole point of identifying God as change is to prepare and maintain the path forward for the betterment of everyone. Lofty ideal, that. Overall I guess the point I need to take away is I can control only myself, and try to walk myself down a path that not only improves my circumstances, but everything I interact with.

So, what can I look at, that isn't muddling me in the middle of a bunch of crap? Living in the past has no place in the future, change is constant, and that applies to me too. If that's true, then I've come a long way from the way I previously thought about moving forward. I don't want to bog my own thoughts down this time with a bunch of philosophy, that I know.

With that, I need grounding, and I need a plan. Just like Lauren did when originally confronting the world she lived in. That's how she was able to start actually making the adjustments that lead to success.

So, a few planning steps.

1. Accept that my body is aging
2. Write what I'm eating down
3. Don't eat out of stress
4. Realize that I don't need to keep being miserable with the state of things I can't control
5. Record the wins, note the losses, but don't linger on them
6. Keep moving forward, nothing is going to stop for me

I think this quote really summarizes how I need to think about it, change is the only way to actually embrace moving forward.

'“I still can’t see change or entropy as God,” Travis said, bringing the conversation back to Earthseed. “Then show me a more pervasive power than change,” I said.' — Octavia E. Butler, Parable of the Sower (1993)

Just because Travis couldn't see a thing, doesn't make it stop. If the world is changing, all I can do is adapt to that. No more doubling down with food as a crutch for dealing with problems. That's a given. Start back up the journal despite resenting that I've stopped. Maybe it will all come together again.

Adversaria is for the public to digest the thought with me, my journal is for me to digest the thought where I need to take action. Results in one, and progress in another.

Overall, the book resonated with me and helped me identify things I wanted to improve with myself, as much as Seneca has lately. I wish the author was still around to inspire me like that some more.

Built a rating system into the site, and this is definitely going to be up there, thanks again Octavia Butler, you will be remembered for the rest of my life at least.

Until next time.